Several years ago, a friend shared a strategy that transformed the way I approach sensitive discussions. He used it in his marriage, introducing the question, “Can we have a non-emotional conversation about this?” whenever he and his wife faced a potentially volatile topic. This wasn’t about avoiding emotions but rather about creating a space where they could discuss issues clearly without emotional interference.
I admired his intentionality in nurturing his relationship and his ability to tackle conflict head-on, both crucial aspects of any strong partnership. His approach also acknowledged the double-edged sword of emotions: while essential, they can obscure our clarity in heated moments.
This question isn’t just for romantic relationships; it’s a versatile tool that can benefit anyone, whether in marriage, dating, or friendships.
A Question To Expedite Healthy Conversations and Solutions
For leaders, avoiding tough conversations is not an option. These dialogues are part and parcel of our roles, whether they concern personal issues or organizational challenges.
To bring the best out of these critical conversations, we must first accept that everyone, including us as leaders, brings their whole selves to the table. This includes our intellect, past experiences, emotions, passions, and hopes for the future. Recognizing this is vital, especially in discussions that could trigger conflict.
How Emotions Affect Our Vantage Point
I’ve learned through personal experience and not without struggle, that managing emotions is not about suppression. Instead, it’s about acknowledging and processing them effectively. Most of us react impulsively, clouded by our immediate feelings, which complicates conflict resolution and solution finding.
As leaders, our job is to not only manage our own emotions but also to help our team members recognize and handle theirs. This clear-headed approach can prevent emotions from fogging our collective judgment.
Consider this scenario: you’re a church leader, and the quality of the adult service has been lacking for a few weeks. The team member responsible for planning and quality assurance isn’t meeting expectations. Addressing this directly could trigger defensive emotions. So, how should you approach it?
Invite this team member for a one-on-one and start with, “Can we have a non-emotional conversation about something?” This sets a tone of mutual respect and clarity, focusing on improvement rather than criticism. It helps keep potential defensive reactions at bay, fostering a more productive and less personal discussion.
You’re Not Immune, Either
It’s crucial to remember that leaders are not immune to emotions. I often remind myself, “Gavin, can we have a non-emotional conversation about this?” This internal dialogue helps me to step back, recognize my emotional state, and refocus on leading effectively.
One Final Thought
Our current political climate illustrates that facts alone cannot sway someone whose beliefs are deeply rooted in emotion. This holds true in leadership as well. If a team member is entrenched in an emotional state, logic alone won’t likely persuade them. Instead, take time to help them recognize and understand their emotions. Once they have a clearer view, reintroduce the idea of a non-emotional conversation.
By incorporating these strategies into your leadership toolkit, you can facilitate more effective, clear-headed discussions that lead to healthier outcomes for everyone involved. Next time you face a challenging conversation, remember the power of asking if you can talk without the cloud of emotions— it might just change the outcome for the better.
