Have you ever worried about saying the wrong thing?
As a pastor, I find myself facing many situations where I’m scared I’ll say the wrong thing. Sure, there’s an occasional slip in a sermon or stage announcement, but the place where my words find the most fear is hospitals and funerals. When you’re a pastor, walking into a time of great struggle or grief is a privilege, but when people look to you as an extension of God, it carries an unfair weight.
I hate to admit this, but I use to practice what I wanted to say before walking into an emotionally charged, grief stricken environment. I was so scared that I would misrepresent God, or simply misrepresent all of humanity, that I would practice lines like I was on a date. After all, what can you say to a husband who just lost a wife, or to a parent who’s child is suffering?
What should you say when people are expecting your words to bring comfort or peace?
There are no mulligans in these moments, and I learned a few valuable lessons the hard way. Most importantly, I learned this powerful principle:
People rarely remember what you say,
but they never forget how you make them feel.
That might be worth reading again.
With that principle in mind, here are a few things I try to remember when I’m facing a “pastoral moment.” Whether you’re a professional Christian or not, you can do this, too…
1. Match your emotion to their emotion.
When I walk into a emotionally charged situation, I’ve learned to survey the room, take the emotional temperature, and match the mood. There may be an opportunity to cultivate a new mood over time, but moving the mood always begins by first matching the mood.
2. BEING with means more than TALKING to.
Often, I’ve experienced the power of our presence means more than anything we can say. Pastoring is more about walking beside people than talking to people. Just as God walks beside us, we should walk beside others.
3. Watch for God’s grace in the moment.
People suffering typically see the world through a foggy lens. Life becomes a blur. But as a friend or pastor, we have the opportunity to see and note God’s presence and grace throughout a trial. Some of the best conversations I’ve had with families occurred months after a funeral, where we embraced the journey by celebrating God’s presence and grace throughout.
4. Don’t freak out.
People in grief are often upset – especially with God. They prayed for healing, but healing never came. They asked others to pray, but their requests seemed to fall silent. When they needed God the most, it appeared that God was sleeping on the job.
As a pastor or friend, we have the opportunity to embrace their pain while reframing their frustrations. God can handle our frustrations and questions. The best thing many people can do is to acknowledge their anger with God to God, because it’s in this ongoing conversation with our Heavenly Father where peace and love will ultimately be found.
5. Freely give hugs.
It is hard to fully appreciate the power human touch. Recently, I walked into a surgical waiting room to be with a family, and the husband of the patient walked directly over to me and we embraced for at least a full minute. That doesn’t seem like long as I type it now, but in the moment, time stood still. I didn’t need to say anything – the hug said it all.
6. Allow yourself to emotionally engage.
It’s so tempting to keep emotions at an arms length. But God has called us to love our neighbor and carry each other’s burdens. That means we must emotionally engage. We should allow ourselves to feel their pain. Sure, that’s more difficult than remaining on the outskirts of grief, but our engagement makes the burden lighter for them, and that’s about as Christian as we can get.
So, the next time you walk into a difficult situation, take a deep breath and remember: People rarely remember what you say, but they never forget how you make them feel. Engage, match, watch, be with, and give a few hugs. They will feel God’s love through your presence. What better gift could we give?
Have you ever felt the pressure of saying the wrong thing? I’d love to hear how you have processed this tension. Please leave a comment and share this so others can join the conversation.
