7 Minute Read…
Right now, people are leaving your church, and it hurts.
I was recently on a coaching call with a senior pastor discussing this very topic. His church has experienced some noticeable congregational turnover during the pandemic. Several known families have left and it has been painful. Early on, this pastor and his staff had a choice: Remain mission-centric or become keeping-focused. They chose the mission, and that choice resulted in several families leaving the church. They walked away for trivial reasons, but nevertheless, they still left.
I’m guessing every pastor in every church has experienced some amount of congregational exodus during the pandemic.
I get it. I’ve been there. Several years ago, I took the position of lead pastor at a struggling church. And almost immediately, a handful of families decided to leave the church.
And they all felt the need to tell me they were leaving the church. And why they were leaving the church.
I didn’t even know these people. I’d only been at the church for two weeks! It seemed ridiculous to me at the time. I mean, I had just arrived. I had not made any real decisions (yet). We had not set any solid strategies or changed any programming. All that was coming, but it hadn’t happened yet. And people were already leaving.
Guess what? It hurt.
Even though I didn’t yet know these people, it still hurt.
When people leave your church, it’s a form of rejection, and rejection is painful.
Over my 15 years of ministry leadership, the pain of rejection never went away because people continually left our church. And they loved to tell me why. Perhaps it was only one family a month. But, that one family caused enough rejection to feel like 50.
And let’s acknowledge:
The longer a person has been at your church, the more it hurts when they leave your church.
This pain has a name: Loss. When a person leaves the church, they take something with them:
- Relationships
- Generosity
- Service
- Support
People leaving is a loss. Rejection is loss. And loss hurts.
This is an essential reality for us to consider in our current situation. Today, pastors are experiencing rejection on an entirely new level because people are complaining and leaving at an entirely new rate! People are walking away from churches (or simply not returning) en masse for various reasons. Some legit. Many not.
Because we are all pain resistant, our temptation in a season like this is to:
1. Choose our current congregation over the message of Christ
I realize that sounds dramatic. But, we can all limit the exodus if we focus on keeping our congregation happy. And, if we can keep more people, we’ll reduce our pain of rejection. This is why we see so many churches doubling down on topics and programs to keep people while ignoring cultural realities that we should address, even if it may offend people.
For example: Too many churches are working hard to match their theology to their congregation’s political ideology. Many Christians want their Sunday morning experience to sound and feel like their cable news platform. If you give into this, you’ll retain some people and potentially lose the Gospel.
How selfish is this, though? I mean, we are potentially sacrificing the core message of the Gospel to avoid the potential rejection of people who may leave our church (and us). I seem to recall Jesus on the cross feeling some of that — and he remained on the cross.
And don’t forget: In striving to keep people, you’ll create more painful problems down the road. A church that functions to keep Christians happy ceases to focus on the point of Christianity.
2. Ignore the pain
It feels easier to blame the person leaving your church than feel the pain of their departure. Think about it: If you vilify the offender, you don’t feel as offended. But, this approach only leads us down a path of cynicism and emotional disengagement. It’s healthy to feel pain when we experience rejection. The best way to move forward is to allow ourselves to grieve these losses.
People are going to leave your church, and their departure will create pain. They will blame you. They will blame politics. They will blame your stance on any and every topic. They will blame your lack of stance on any and every topic.
Please don’t blame them back. Don’t pay them back. When people leave your church, allow yourself to feel the pain of rejection while remaining committed to the greater mission. Pretending it doesn’t hurt only reinforces emotional disengagement and cynicism, and it’s impossible to lead people when you’re disengaged and cynical.
3. Quit trying
We are experiencing the Great Resignation. Some people are leaving jobs, and even entire careers, for valid reasons and new opportunities (I think that’s what I’ve recently done). Many others are exiting positions out of exhaustion. This is where we find too many pastors today — spiritually, emotionally, and physically exhausted.
Let’s call it what it is: Pastoring people is difficult because people are difficult. People can be the worst! They all have opinions and expectations. And most don’t mind openly sharing their frustrations about you with you.
Perhaps you need to move on. Or, maybe you need to remember why you accepted the calling in the first place. Your call was never to make people happy but to point people to Jesus. God called you to lead people to live a life worthy of their calling. When we keep that our focus, we are better able to face the pain of rejection.
There may be a time to change jobs or even careers, but to resist pain is not the reason.
I hate that you are experiencing the pain of rejection. It stinks. But in a time such as this, it’s unavoidable. Don’t give in to that pain. Don’t become a “keeping” church to the neglect of your mission and vision. Please don’t ignore the pain, allowing it to fester into an ungrieved wound. And don’t quit for the wrong reasons.
If you remain vigilant to your mission and vision, the people who leave will eventually be replaced by those who need your church. In time, these new people will become contributors to your mission. You’ll foster new relationships. You’ll experience new generosity.
And eventually, some of them will leave, too. It’s just part of the job.
As I wrapped up that recent coaching call, I asked the pastor what he loves about the new congregation he sees in his church today. His answer was fantastic. I can’t quote it directly, but he said something like this:
“We definitely lost people, but we have gained a lot of new people. When I look out over the crowd on Sunday, I see a lot of unrecognizable faces. Our church seems a bit smaller than it was, but we are better than we were, too. We are more diverse, more welcoming, and we are reaching more people. I’ll take who we’ve become over what we were any day!”
It was that last statement that really caught my attention. Letting go of people in it for themselves to gain people in it for the greater mission is a trade every pastor would make. When you decide to let people go, you will experience rejection, but you may also better point your church to the Great Commission.
One last thing: Are people leaving your church for good reasons? Perhaps. It could be that you need to update your ministry model, change your approach, or reconsider your vision. But even if all of these are perfectly on point for your community, some people will still leave. And that’s going to hurt a bit.
How can I help?
Coaching ministry and marketplace leaders make things better and make better things is why I created Transformation Solutions. Go right now to mytransformationsolutions.com and sign up for a free, 30-minute conversation to decide if working together works for you.
